Santa Claus Read online

  Your pal,

  SANTA

  Dear Santa,

  I’m sorry. I can explain.

  -Your BIGGEST fan

  Adele, third grade

  Dear Adele,

  Yes. I know you can. However, you might as well save your breath because I’m not buying it. And just so you know, it wasn’t the fact that you stole the little baby Jesus figure from the nativity scene in front of your church and replaced it with a two-liter bottle of Sprite. I actually thought that was pretty funny. And it wasn’t even the prank with your father’s glue gun and your mother’s diaphragm. What finished things off as far as you and I are concerned was the incident you caused when you told the little Pakistani girl in your class that when I come down the chimney of a house and find it occupied with non-Christians, I systematically execute everyone I find living there. Really now. What do you think it costs me in public relations dollars to neutralize that kind of slander? A lifetime of presents for my BIGGEST fan doesn’t even come close to covering it…But it’s a start.

  Dare to Dream!

  SANTA

  Dear Santa,

  Can I have a new soccer jersey? All summer I liked to watch the soccer players in the World Cup and I think it would be really cool to have a jersey just like the pros. I like Arsenal and also PSG cuz the players can do awesome moves. I play soccer all the time, plus now I am on the A-team at my school, and that means I’m pretty good. All the other guys on my team have jerseys from real teams and I want one to wear at practice. My coach likes it when we wear teams from England, where he is from. He calls soccer football but it’s the same sport. Anyway, I bet lots of kids want jerseys, so I’ll let you choose what team, as long as they’re not bad.

  Oh and my sister wants a tea set but she broke her arm so she can’t write you a letter.

  Thanks and Merry Christmas!

  From,

  Shamus, 9

  Dear Shamus,

  Maybe you should try a little honesty. Your sister didn’t break her arm. YOU did when you attempted a mid-air karate kick against the Troll doll she was cradling in a bizarre attempt at nursing the thing. Her unintentionally hilarious action in no way justifies yours.

  But I would expect nothing less from someone who is fascinated by soccer, or football, or whatever you want to call it. If there’s been a more tedious and boring game invented, I don’t know what it is. I travel everywhere (except to those nutcase Islamic countries) and it’s quite clear to me that there’s a direct correlation between the popularity of soccer and where that country falls on the sliding-shithole scale. It’s no coincidence that the sport’s popularity in your country has increased dramatically during the presidency of George W. Bush.

  You can tell your sister she’ll be receiving her tea set. You, however, will be getting nothing.

  Merry Christmas!

  SANTA

  DEAR SANTA (NORTH POLE),

  MY BIG BROTHER TOMMY SAYS YOUR NOT REAL, BUT I DON’T BELEEVE HIM. I THINK YOUR REAL. WE HAVE TO PROVE HIM WRONG, SO THIS YEAR I’M SENDING YOU MY REAL CHRISTMAS LIST, AND GIVING A DIFFERENT ONE FOR MY PARENTS TO GIVE TO YOU. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. MINE IS THE REAL LIST. THIS WAY I’LL TELL TOMMY LATER AND HE WILL BE WRONG. THANK YOU, I BEEN A GOOD BOY THIS YEAR, HERES WHAT I WANT.

  • FUN VIDEO GAME SYSTEM & A GAME

  • A NEW ORANGE BALL

  • NEW BLUE CLOTHES

  • BASEBALL CARDS

  • COMPUTER GAMES

  • A ELECTRIC INSTRUMENT

  • A PET NAMED SPIKE

  • MAGAZINE PRESCRIPSHUN

  • AND SUPRISE PRESENTS

  THANK YOU,

  BAXTER

  PS REMEMBER, THIS IS THE RIGHT LIST. THE LIST FROM EDDIE AND LAURA STEVENS IS FAKE, SO I CAN SHOW TOMMY YOUR REAL.

  Dear Baxter,

  Well, you certainly are a devious little shit. It’s too bad your “real” list wasn’t as well thought out as your sneaky plan. I hope you enjoy the following gifts I’ll be bringing you:

  • an Atari 2600 System complete with Pong

  • a pecan-crusted cheeseball from Hickory Farms

  • a dozen blue girdles

  • baseball cards for the starting line-up of the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Yankees

  • Quicken Tax Pro 2000

  • an electric-powered-nose hair clipper

  • a slug (name him Spike if you like)

  • a one year “prescripshun” to the National Review

  • and “suprise” presents consisting of everything you put on your fake list to your parents

  Hope they don’t suck!

  SANTA

  Dear Santa (North Pol),

  My momy says its taking me a reel long time to think of my Chrismas list, but its cuz / got a suprise that only you no about Santa. My momy will male this letter to you cuz I am at skool when the post offise iz open (hint hint). I been very good this yeer, so I think I shud get lots of pressents. Heer iz what I want, I hope you like momys cookees.

  • grean radeo control car

  • wii with games like basbal

  • a new grean sled

  • new gluvs

  • basbal cards

  • fishes and a see anenome

  • a mountan bike

  • futbal cards

  • sell phone

  • new books

  • legos and stuff

  Your Friend,

  Justin

  PS Do you bemember me Santa? My name iz Justin.

  Dear Justin,

  Of course I remember you. You’ve been writing to me for fifteen years now, and frankly, the acting like you’re a small child gig is really beginning to border on the creepy. For the first few years, I just assumed you were an average, cute little kid just learning to write and spell. I got increasingly concerned as the years went by, however, and began to think you must have a slight mental handicap. That misconception was cleared up when I realized you were being home-schooled by your mother in your Little Rock trailer home. For the six or seven years that followed, I watched with curiosity to see when (or if) your mother would ever teach you to spell correctly. I was also fascinated to see just when she was finally going to stop bathing you. And here we are nearing your twentieth birthday and neither event has yet occurred. In that same way that even the most humiliating clips on You Tube eventually just become boring, I think I’ve finally seen enough. But I would like to thank you for this little peek at an average Arkansas family. I’m at last beginning to understand how the Clintons were able to initially get themselves elected.

  Keep lurning,

  SANTA

  Dear Santa,

  I have been a very good girl this year. I helped my little sister learn her a BCA and I helped Mommy set the dinner table every night! Mommy and Daddy say that you only visit good boys and girls so I have been trying very hard to be good.

  I think I have done a good job. I hope that I am on the nice list and not on the naughty list. If I am on the nice list, I would like a new doll with curly brown hair, just like me. If I am on the naughty list I will try to be more good I promise. If I am on the very good list, I would like a heart necklace like the one Daddy gave Mommy. If I am not on the very good list, I will try to be

  even more good I really promise. also, if I am on the very very good list, I would like a pair of ice skates too so Daddy and I can go skating on the pond. My little sister is too small for skating, so please don’t give her skates too. Some things are just for big girls like me. If I am not on the very very good list I promise I will try to be good!

  On Christmas Eve I will leave you my favorite oatmeal cookies that Mommy helps me make and milk that Daddy helps me pour. I hope you like it! Merry Christmas and stay warm Santa!

  Love,

  Beth 6

  Dear Beth,

  I understand the desperation evident in your letter. However, your attempts to be very, very good, or “even more good” will do little to save your parents’ marriage—just as your
father’s purchase of that diamond-studded heart-shaped necklace did nothing to gain your mother’s forgiveness or assuage his own guilt.

  I will of course bring you the set of skates you are hoping for. The solace they will provide during your weekend visitations with your father, though, will be minimal. It’s hard to hear, but the truth is your parents will be better off apart. And you really must stop blaming your little sister for the failure of their relationship. You’ll need her support in the years ahead.

  With regret,

  SANTA

  P.S. I can’t stand oatmeal cookies.

  Dear Jolly Old Saint Nick,

  I’m a 34 year-old father of two writing to you alongside my kids, Johnny (age 6) and Kirsten (age 9). We’re all making our Christmas lists for you, and I want to show them that even adults get things from Santa if they ask. Kirsten is starting to wonder about you, whether or not you’re real. I write to you every year, right?

  For Christmas this year, here’s what I’d like:

  • Of course, world peace

  • A good rate refinancing the mortgage

  • the hybrid Ford Escape

  • GPS navigation system

  • Home Depot gift certificate

  • a meat smoker

  • Red Sox jersey

  • new work boots

  That should just about do it, Santa. Thanks for everything-I’ll see you Christmas Eve after the kids go to bed, just like last year. I like those cookies, too!

  Sincerely,

  Trevor Innsbruck

  Dear Trevor,

  You certainly do write to me every year, and every year you start off your list with the same old kiss-ass request for “world peace.” But then you’ve always been the living embodiment of the phrase “talk is cheap.” After all, why really do anything for the environment when you can get your self a “hybrid” and pretend you’ve done something without it inconveniencing you in the least. And go ahead and do all of your shopping at Home Depot, where you can’t find any competent help to save your life. Meanwhile, the local hardware store down the street with the knowledgeable guy who would love to help you, will soon be out of business because his hammers cost a little bit more than Home Depot’s. Local economies are being destroyed across your country because morons like you keep buying cheap shit at national chains that funnel your money out of your own communities, allowing them to wither and die. But of course that doesn’t fit on a bumper sticker to plaster onto your hybrid.

  Get bent,

  SANTA

  Dear Santa Claus,

  Hi, I am Colin Jacobsen. How are you? I am fine, just being really good like always.

  Santa, what do you do when its not Christmas time? I know your really busy now, but what about in the summer? Do you go on vacation? Do you stay in the North Pole with Mrs. Claus? what about the elves? And what about the reindeer? Is Rudolph real? Do you have a pet polar bear? I want a pet polar bear, or a grizzly bear, or a lion. I like balloons. Do you like balloons? Can you make them into shapes, like bikes and giraffes? why are there necks so long? Can you do magic? How do you read all the letters from all the kids and how do you eat so many cookies?

  Do you really give coal to bad kids? I am a nice boy, I try not to be naughty at all. I like video games. I like kickball at recess. My mommy and daddy are nice. My sister Eva cries alot. I want squirt guns for Christmas. Mommy says no guns. I also like basketball. I need a new ball and a basket to shoot at when its warm outside. I want a snowboard too, but mommy says I’m not old enuff. Daddy says mommy worries too much. I want a pet turtle for Christmas too. I like the shell and daddy showed me his old ninja turtle action guys, and I like turtles. I think that’s all Santa, I hope you can fly everywhere and eat lots of cookies.

  Your friend,

  Colin

  Dear Colin,

  Despite the stultifying repetitiveness of the questions I am asked, I do, in fact, like that kids ask them. Kids should ask lots of questions because it is, after all, the only way to get answers. If you ask questions your whole life, you’ll continue to learn new things and become a wiser person. If you never ask questions you’ll grow up to be a moron. (But don’t worry. Your country’s own recent history proves that that’s no bar to becoming president.)

  Of course, sometimes lots of questions are just the first sign of ADD.

  Get help,

  SANTA

  Hi Santa,

  How is the North Pole? I live in Florida so I never see snow and it is always warm and hot.

  I hope that your reindeer can fly here without any snow. I will leave carrots for them to make them happy. I like carrots too but not more than I like candy. I don’t think reindeers can eat candy.

  For Christmas, I want a baseball so that I can learn to throw like my big brother. Maybe he will play catch with me on the beach like he does with his friends. I would like a baseball very much. It would be a good present.

  My Daddy needs a new job because he lost his old one and my Mommy needs a new car because her old one is broken. Please see if your elves can help.

  I will watch for you on Christmas Eve. My flashlight will be at the window so you can find my house. It is the yellow one with a white door just in case you don’t see me.

  Merry Christmas!

  Ryan

  Dear Ryan,

  You’re a good kid. So it pains me to have to be the one to tell you that fate has dropped you into a cesspool—and I don’t just mean Florida. The sad truth is that wonderful children are born all the time into families who don’t deserve them, and with whom they don’t deserve having gotten stuck. Soon enough you’ll come to realize that your juvenile delinquent of an older brother is only your half brother. Steer clear of him. Meanwhile, the freeloader you both call your father (don’t worry, he really isn’t) will be moving on right after your mother loses her job because of having no way to get to work. Unfortunately, she’ll soon begin a career that she can perform from home and additional half-siblings will be the result. Do not attach yourself to any of them. Make the most of the baseball I’ll be bringing you this year. Your real father was the captain of the Duke University baseball team (enjoying a little Spring Break R&R) and you’ve inherited his brains and his talent ten times over. Pursue scholarships, and keep them a secret from your parasitic family. When you’re accepted for a full ride at your father’s alma mater, leave these soul-suckers behind and never look back.

  I’m pulling for you,

  SANTA

  Dear Santa Claus,

  All I want for Christmas is a new like I hope the elves at the North Pole know how to make a bike for me. I want it to be blue. Blue is my favorite color. What is your favorite color? I think it is red because that is the color of your suit!

  Shannon Riley Murphy says that you are just pretend, but she is always trying to trick me. I won’t let it work this time. Please write back so that I can show her you are real. I believe in you Santa. If there is a bike under the tree on Christmas Day then you really must be real.

  I don’t need a helmet for the bike. Your friend,

  Masato

  Dear Masato,

  Don’t you know that true devotion and belief don’t require any physical proof to back them up? Of course that’s exactly the kind of impossible-to-prove bullshit that leads people to blow themselves up for imaginary virgins and to believe that books written by sadistic desert nomads are the unchallengeable word of God.

  In other words, good for you, Masato! If there’s any advice I could give you it would be don’t believe the claptrap that people like Shannon Riley Murphy will try to force-feed you throughout your life. Make ‘em provide the proof. Of course, you could take that to an extreme. Such as a refusal to believe in the importance of, oh…say, safety helmets. But don’t worry. Their importance will be made abundantly clear to you about seven weeks after you receive your beautiful new blue bike.

  Enjoy it while you can!

  SANTA

  Dear Santa,


  I was very good this year and now it’s payback time. Here is what you should bring me for Christmas:

  • a new BMX bike (red or orange, with 4 inch alloy rims)

  • money (at least $100, in small bills)

  • snowboard (you know the one I want; it’s the same one I asked for last year that you gave to Steve Alpher across the street by mistake)

  • Puma glides (black and silver glow strips)

  • an orange hoodie (not bright orange)

  • remote control submarine

  • a guitar (can you also arrange lessons?)

  • anything else you can think of…

  Thanks Santa. I know you’ll deliver this year. Tomas Murnz, 8

  P.S. Don’t forget: We don’t have a chimney, so please use the front door!

  Dear Tomas,

  You’re a douche-bag.